So I haven't written for a while so here is the catch up. I am doing something that I have always wanted to do and that is play volleyball on a city team. I have never dared to do that since when I have gone in I get the looks of oh she is fat and she can't play. but I did it. I am playing every Tuesday night and it is so much fun! I am doing really well with it also. The other thing I have determined is that I do need to take time for me. It has been nice to go play on my own and just relax and do something that I really enjoy!!!

I know that I need to loose weight and I am really trying to get past the craziness in my head that tells me I am not able to, or worth it. and with all the stuff from growing up that I won't be able to do it, or that I will quit i just don't start because I don't want to fail and yet without trying I am failing. My life needs the relaxation and changes that only I can do it. I have vowed to do this and will do it no matter how hard it is. I want to be successful and I want to go back to school. I want to be someone that others look up to as an example of what happiness is. I struggle many times with depression and other things but I want to kick all that out of my mind and go from there. My life will be blessed by all that I want to do if I can just get going!!! and I CAN DO THIS!

So this week has been really difficult. Not only do I feel like I have had NO time to myself I am busy with trying to get christmas done... Will we have money for it... Will it be ok? I am so worried about getting everything taken care of so my kids have great memories this time of year.

We finally got the Christmas tree up saturday night... and it was yet again another fight at our house. over what tree. I have felt that I am totally ruining my kids because they see the fighting and they don't know what to do. I am really trying to make it so that we don't fight.

The overwelming feelings that I have probably wont let up until I am able to get some organization done around my home... but when will that get done... I feel like I am doing everything for everyone else and I can't get a break time wise to get stuff completed around the house... As far as my exercising goes I won't have time until thursday or friday since everyday is packed from 6 am to 10 pm! I really hope this week gets pulled off without a hitch...

The Start

So I decided to write this blog to maybe help me. I am not sure if anyone else will ever see it but this is set up to help me with some life changes that I want and need to make.
I am 37 years old and have a wonderful family. Yet I always wonder what I can do differently. I have wanted to loose weight for years, I have dealt with health problems, marriage problems (who doesn't go through those from time to time) and I am now on the quest to find who I am. I feel that through having kids, marriage and working I have forgotten who I really am. I used to be energetic, fun, not stressed and had the world at my feet. Now finding that with giving all my time to my kids and spouse I don't know who I am anymore. Sure I am a mother and a wife but what do I like to do? If I had one whole day to myself that didn't include, Laudry, being a Taxi, and lets face it feeling like a slave to everyone else what would I do?
I say I want to go back to school, I do want that but will I have time, money and the support of my family. So I guess this is just a way for me to be able to ramble on and help me with life changes that I feel I need to do. I have goals, yes in the midst of doing everything else I have goals. I need to loose 100 lbs (little bit at a time), Have an organized home, Kids that don't get frustrated with me, and to be a better wife. I guess we will see how this all turns out... Because at this time in my life I can't take another Fail...